This is the transcript for the lost Barney episode Evil Barney Babysitter. The audio can be found on Youtube.

(The music begins.)

Barney: Oh boy oh boy! Today, Barney is going to babysit for a little extra cash.

(Barney goes up to a house and rings the doorbell.)

Doorbell: Ding dong!

(The door opens up and the father comes out.)

Father: Hey Barney! The kids are inside and there's food in the fridge. We should be home around eleven.

Mother: Have fun!

Barney: Don't worry, your kids are in good hands with Barney. Bye bye! Hey, kids, Barney needs a god damn drink!

Johnny and Mary: Barney!

Barney: Hey kids, where does daddy keep the stuff he drinks before he hits mommy?

Johnny: It's right in there Barney.

Barney: Oh great! Why don't you kids go play with these matches while Barney gets a freaking attitude adjustment!

Johnny: But Barney, I wanna play tag.

Barney: Ok Johnny!

(Barney smacks Johnny, which knocks him out cold. He falls to the ground with a thump shortly after.) 

Johnny: Owww!

Barney: You're it!

Doorbell: Ding dong!

Mary: Barney there's a scary lady at the door wearing leather and chain and she's holding a whip. 

Barney: Oh Suzzy's here.

Mary: But Barney, daddy says no visitors when he's not home.

Barney: Well Mary, mommy has plenty of visitors when daddy's not home. Remember the men that came to build your new deck? Well, planks weren't the only thing they were hammering! Oh-oh-oh!

Mary: Barney!

Barney: Come here, Mary. Is that a crumb I see on your cheek? Come here! Closer.

Mary: I don't think so I didn't eat anything.

(Barney slaps Mary across the face.)


Barney: Take that! Loose lips, same ships Mary.

(The door opens and Suzzy enters the house.)

Suzzy: Hi Barney what will it be, the usual?

Barney: Oh sure. Did you bring the vegetables and the catchers mitt? Oh boy!

Johnny: Ow, my head hurts! Ohhhh!

Barney: Hold on. Johnny's regaining consciousness.

(Barney punches Johnny, knocking him out again.)

Barney: You're still it!

Mary: Barney Barney! My toast is stuck in the toaster!

Barney: Oh just use the big metal fork and pry it out!

Mary: Ok.

Barney: Now where were we, baby?

(Barney and Suzy begin kissing and probably having sex with each other.)

(Mary gets electrocuted by sticking the fork in the toaster. She also starts yelling and crying in pain.)

Barney: Oh little bastards! Doh! I'll take care of this! Come on kids it's video time!

Johnny: Hooray! I want to watch The Lion King.

Mary: No no no! I want to watch Pocahontas!

Barney: No no no! This one comes from Barney's "private" collection. Not much of a plot but plenty of action!

Johnny: Barbie's Cream House?

Barney: Oh that's right! It's Barbie, Kent, and G.I. Joe as you never seen them before! Oh boy oh boy!

(The baby starts crying in another room.)

Mary: Barney the baby needs changing!

Barney: Goddamn! Right when G.I. Joe was about to unload a full clip into Barbie! Well, where is the little crap factory? Ugh!

(The phone rings.)

Barney: Telephone. Hello? Oh, gee money! Oh, you got my stuff. Ok, ten minutes behind the store 24. Ok, peace out! Barney has to go kids. I need my medications.

Johnny: Are you sick Barney?

Barney: I sure am Johnny. I sure am! Oh oh!

(Barney leaves the house and the episode ends.)

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